In his testimony to Congress released this week, Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates said he deeply regretted his ties to convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein after it became clear he victimized more than just sex-trafficked children.
“When I first started meeting with Epstein, I thought he was just a literally convicted sex offender widely known to be sex-trafficking and victimizing children—obviously no big deal because those children are not me,” said Gates in his Congressional testimony remarks. “But when I realized Epstein wasn’t just a guy who facilitated sex-trafficked victims to rich people for the fun of it—that he was a man who would also manipulate and exploit billionaires like myself, I finally realized I made a grave error.”
Gates said that although Eptein’s crimes were widely reported by news outlets and that annoying lady he used to be married to who kept blathering about it before she finally thankfully moved out and divorced him, he had no idea Epstein would ever sink as low as blackmailing someone as amazing and rich as himself.
“For the record, as soon as I learned an employee was working with Epstein to do something as heinous as ruin my performative nice guy/husband schtick by publicizing my secret affairs, I drew the line and no longer talked to him—I wanted nothing to do with a sex offender who would betray an innocent billionaire such as myself,” Gates said. “I would also like to hereby dispell all rumors that I’m the man in the all shaded-window limo bumping Drake outside Lakeside School bridge tournaments.”
At press time, Gates was not available for comment while searching for where in his 66,000 square-foot Medina mansion his exotic pet cheetah was hiding.
