Betsy DeVos Deploys Child Shield to Save Self From Sneezing Man
U.S. Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos was shaken today following an incident that forced her to grab a nearby child to shield herself from a sneezing man during a local school press conference.
“Ugh, I...
Jeff Bezos Just Wondering If He Can Still Write Off MacKenzie’s Charitable Donations
After a year of witnessing his ex-wife MacKenzie follow through on her Giving Pledge commitment to donate most of her $38 billion divorce settlement fortune to charities, Amazon founder Jeff Bezos reportedly checked in...
Biden Vows That Things in Gaza Would Be Different If He Was President
President Joe Biden finally took a tough stance on the continuing atrocities being committed in Gaza today, vowing that things would be very different if he was President of the United States.
“I don’t know...
Shrieking Tucker Carlson Flees Bathroom After Saying ‘Antifa’ 3 Times in Mirror
Just as his network hit the highest ratings in cable news history, Fox News host Tucker Carlson was seen running and shrieking from his bathroom to his safe room after reportedly chanting “antifa” three...
Uvalde Police Department Unveils New Thin Yellow Line Flag
To commemorate all the bodily fluids lost while assaulting parents trying to rescue their children from an active shooter, today the Uvalde Police Department announced its officers would now cover their uniforms, cars and...
Fox News Insists Sacrificing Easter Bunny May Be Necessary to Save Economy
With Easter looming and no end to the Coronavirus pandemic in sight, Fox News political pundits have begun to surmise that a sacrifice of the holiday’s famed Easter Bunny might be necessary to keep...
CDC Study Determines Not Enough Sage or Bleach on Earth to Decontaminate White House
The CDC just released the results of its latest study confirming what many had already suspected: There is not enough sage or bleach on planet Earth to decontaminate the White House.
“We knew achieving full...
Amazon to Withhold Bananas Until Morale Improves
Frustrated with Amazon workers’ slower productivity after being forced to work in the office again, especially during its busiest time of year, today Amazon announced that beginning next week it would be withholding all...
Following Campus Attacks, Betsy DeVos Eager to Hear Virus’s Side of the Story
Although recent school and college reopenings immediately resulted in raging COVID-19 outbreaks infecting thousands of students and nearby residents, today U.S. Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos encouraged everyone not to rush to judgment about...
‘I Won’t Pass a 20-Year War onto Another President,’ Says President Passing 50-Year War on Drugs to Another President
In an honest and courageous address to the nation today, President Joe Biden bravely stood by his decision to not pass an expensive and failed 20-year war in Afghanistan to another president to whom...
