In an honest and courageous address to the nation today, President Joe Biden bravely stood by his decision to not pass an expensive and failed 20-year war in Afghanistan to another president to whom he assured everyone he will definitely pass an expensive and failed 50-year War on Drugs.
“I’ll always be straight with you, America: There’s no point in continuing a failed 20-year war in Afghanistan that has already cost us more than a trillion dollars and too many Americans who risked life and limb,” said President Biden. “It’s high time we turn our focus back on spending another trillion on a failed 50-year War on Drugs that’s cost us millions of people’s lives and livelihoods – most of whom just happen to be people of color.”
Asked if he might be bold enough to also end the War on Drugs, President Biden said absolutely not.
“Oh, that would be way too messy – can you imagine how many people private prisons would have to release for low-level, non-violent drug crimes—how would they make enough money off systemic racism? How many police wouldn’t know what to do with themselves? I can’t have that on my conscience,” Biden said. “Despite a mountain of experts telling me otherwise, I’m sure if we just spend a few more decades spending billions on weapons and training for prisons and police forces, we’ll all finally get the results we want.”
Although the War on Drugs mostly mirrors the war in Afghanistan in that both were pointless, expensive shitshows that only made the world a worse place for everyone, Biden looked forward to seeing how the next American president passes it on to another American president.
“America, the buck passes with me.”
