A stunning scientific milestone was achieved today after a Seattle-based graphic designer achieved stable nuclear fusion generation with the extra time their boss “gave back” to him after a meeting ended early.
“I didn’t know what to do with the five whole minutes my boss generously gave back to me, so I just started tinkering with some physics equations and calculated how to achieve a stable reaction that could supply the world’s energy needs for millions of years,” said graphic designer Stephen Cartwright, referencing the whiteboard filled with numbers next to his desk. “Scientists have been working on this for decades, but I guess all that was needed was a boss that was magnanimous enough to give me my own time back. I just hope that our Friday all-hands meeting lets out a couple minutes early so that I can try to engineer a working reactor.”
According to recent discoveries, many of the world’s historic achievements were spurred on by management giving a few precious minutes back to their employees.
“According to historic records, the Wright Brothers built the world’s first working airplane after their boss let them clock off work three minutes early from their mailroom jobs,” said UW history professor Bethany Conrad. “DaVinci’s Mona Lisa, the Roman aqueducts—in fact, Genghis Khan was only able to unite the Mongol tribes and conquer large parts of China and Central Asia after his department’s VP of Sales decided that a meeting could be a scroll and let everyone go to lunch early. It just goes to show you that history is truly written by the middle managers.”
Cartwright’s monumental achievement was deflated later that day after his company copyrighted the trillion-dollar breakthrough and promptly laid him off.
