December 2020 Refuses to Concede to January 2021
After President Donald Trump finally gave what was essentially a long-awaited concession speech Thursday night, the nation remains in limbo today as December 2020 refuses to concede to January 2021.
"I really thought all of...
Biden Continues Unconditional Support for Israel As It Begins Bombing East Palestine, Ohio
In a national address tonight, President Joe Biden re-affirmed that the United States will continue its unconditional support for Israel even as it began bombing East Palestine, Ohio today.
“We’ve got Israel’s back no matter...
Single Lucid Moment in 4 Weeks Praised as ‘Very Presidential’
The President took a momentary pause from hooting at the podium like a monkey congratulating itself for pissing on its own balls today to briefly acknowledge the gravity of the unprecedented coronavirus pandemic, sending...
Ted Cruz Tragically Still Alive at 50
After being forced to watch Jeff Bezos and Richard Branson return from space with no consequences for their continued pillaging of the planet and mankind, America was dealt a further blow today after learning...
Boeing Kindly Offers to Fly All Whistleblowers to Their Court Dates on 737 MAX
In a show of cooperation with federal investigations and lawsuits questioning the safety of its plane assembly line practices and policies, today Boeing announced it would courteously offer to escort all whistleblowers to their...
COVID-19 Tests Positive for Donald Trump
Despite COVID-19 being 2020’s second most divisive public figure, the world has united to send its thoughts and prayers to the deadly virus after it has reportedly been infected with Donald Trump.
“Oh god no,...
Florida Bans ‘LGBTQ’ from Alphabet
In his latest attempt to block Floridians' exposure to homosexuality, today Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis issued a declaration to officially ban the letters L, G, B, T and Q from the public school curriculum's...
Joe Biden Vows to Bring Troops Home from Vietnam, Work with Soviets on Détente
Wilmington, Delaware – In a statement livestreamed from the depths of his basement office, Joe Biden vowed today to unite both progressive and moderate wings of the Democratic Party with what many are considering...
Nation Confused as Trump Pardons Betty White
Images of Betty White all over social media this morning were met with a mix of relief and confusion as news reports confirmed she was not dead, just granted a last-minute pardon by President...
Report: Only People with PhD in Middle Eastern Studies Allowed to Stop Genocide
A report released today by self-described real experts on the Middle East concluded that you’re gonna need a literal PhD in Middle Eastern Studies if you even want to begin publicly talking about ending...
