Florida Man Arrested for Stealing Pitbull’s Identity
After a months-long pursuit, today a Florida man was arrested in Miami for committing an alleged identity fraud of beloved Cuban-American rapper Pitbull.
“When we apprehended the man, he was still wearing several of the...
Report: Only People with PhD in Middle Eastern Studies Allowed to Stop Genocide
A report released today by self-described real experts on the Middle East concluded that you’re gonna need a literal PhD in Middle Eastern Studies if you even want to begin publicly talking about ending...
‘There Is No Justification for Terrorism,’ Says Man Justifying Genocide
Today it was bravely declared that there is no justification for terrorism—no history or circumstances past, present, or future—by a man justifying the far more practical and kind act of complete genocide.
“I’ve said it...
Orca Pod Escalates War on Wealthy After Knocking Blue Origin Spaceship Out of Orbit
A local orca pod’s war on the wealthy has once again escalated after a spacefaring orcas successfully knocked a Blue Origin spacecraft out of orbit.
“We knew that orca pods were capable of engaging in...
West Coast Engulfed in Cloud of Rats Fleeing New York Wildfire Smoke
A beautiful day along the West Coast of laughing and rolling eyes at the East Coast for finally taking a turn at experiencing the horror of choking wildfire smoke came to a sudden end...
Bezos Surprised, Delighted More People Suddenly Support Him Going Back to Space for Some Reason
Admittedly a little crestfallen so many people criticized his first trip to outer space two years ago, billionaire and former Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos said today he was genuinely touched and a little bewildered...
Elon Musk Cheers OceanGate on Success of Submersible Implosion
Even though the ill-fated Titan did not accomplish all of its desired mission goals this week, today CEO Elon Musk tweeted congratulations to OceanGate on the success of the submersible’s implosion.
“I know most people...
Report: 99% of Nation Totally Willing to Go Along with Flag Day for Chance at Day Off
Despite 99 percent of the nation never really knowing why the seemingly redundant patriotic holiday exists in the first place, a new study shows 99 percent of Americans would finally be willing to at...
Enthusiastic Feminist Accidentally Shatters Debt Ceiling
The nation’s debt ceiling came crashing down today after an enthusiastic feminist flew straight through it, accidentally thinking it was the glass ceiling that’s kept women from being president for 247 years.
“Omg, sorry, everyone!...
Howard Schultz Succeeded by New Starbucks CEO Robusto Cappuccini
Despite saying he might testify at a Senate hearing about his coffee conglomerate’s alleged union-busting’s efforts before a planned retirement next month, Howard Schultz suddenly stepped down early at Starbucks this week to be...
