ICE Detains Leaves as They Turn Brown
ICE confirmed today that its agents are in fact now waiting at the base of trees to zip-tie leaves in bags the moment they...
Masked ICE Agents Infiltrate Portland Emergency Naked Bike Ride Protest
Temporarily trading in gaiters for gimp masks, several ICE agents reportedly infiltrated Portland’s Emergency Naked Bike Ride Protest on Sunday to see if they...
Pardoned Turkey Still Seeking Pardon from Hanging Out with Trump
Several hours after President Donald Trump pardoned a turkey Tuesday morning, the turkey is reportedly still waiting for Trump to stop wanting to hang...
Portland Warns Trump It’s Ready to Use Full Force of Voodoo Doughnut
After another day of President Donald Trump not backing off his threat to authorize the “full force” of the National Guard on Portland, today...
RFK Jr. Announces Plan to Extend Nation’s Average Lifespan with Little Bite on the Neck
As part of a new health initiative that will completely circumvent the modern pharmaceutical industry, today Health and Human Services Secretary RFK Jr. announced...
Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz Experience Sexual Awakening After Playing Doctor Together
According to prematurely leaked video of them staying late one night at the White House, Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz recently experienced a late-life...
Microsoft Says It Only Enabling Israel’s War Crimes, Not Committing Them
After new reports of how closely the local tech giant works with Israel to surveil and kill thousands of Palestinian civilians, today CEO Satya...
National Guard Already Lost at Powell’s Books
Within hours of arriving in war-ravaged Portland, hundreds of National Guard troops are reportedly already lost at Powell’s Books.
“What floor is this? Show yourselves,...
Israeli Settlers Already Practicing Land Acknowledgements to Use In 20 Years
Today Israeli settlers responded to criticism that they keep openly stealing land, homes and life from innocent Palestinians with a solemn promise that they’re...
Trump Grows Bored of Tariffs After Learning an Even Newer Word
Donald Trump suddenly reversed his stance on tariffs after an intern made the rookie mistake of saying an even newer word in his company,...
