Howard Schultz Succeeded by New Starbucks CEO Robusto Cappuccini
Despite saying he might testify at a Senate hearing about his coffee conglomerate’s alleged union-busting’s efforts before a planned retirement next month, Howard Schultz suddenly stepped down early at Starbucks this week to be...
Idaho Lawmakers Demand Easter Bunny’s Ovulation Tracker Data
In yet another radically right-wing, unconstitutional move, today Idaho state lawmakers passed a bill demanding all of the Easter Bunny’s ovulation tracker data.
“As a self-proclaimed expert on how reproductive systems and reproductive healthcare work,...
Living Presidents Celebrate Presidents’ Day with White Elephant Classified Document Exchange
The Presidents’ Day spirit was alive and well today as all six living U.S. presidents gathered together at a secure location this afternoon to celebrate the holiday with their annual white elephant classified document...
Biden SOTU Wins Over Nation with Hourlong Show-and-Tell of What Was in the Balloon
President Joe Biden sent his approval ratings soaring higher than ever before tonight after using the entirety of his State of the Union speech for an hourlong show-and-tell of what was in the Chinese...
Big Tech Companies Celebrate Employee Appreciation Day by Giving Workers Endless Time Off
Big tech companies like Amazon, Apple, Google and Meta announced this week that they're all taking part in today's Employee Appreciation Day festivities by providing a lucky 10 percent of their workers endless unpaid...
We Sat Down with Rep. Matt Gaetz and He Just Kept Asking Us When the Wendy’s Mascot Was Gonna Turn Legal
At The Needling, we pride ourselves on fair and balanced real fake news reporting, and sometimes that means reaching across the aisle for another perspective. This week, Rep. Matt Gaetz took time out of...
‘Let’s Not Make This Tragedy Political,’ Says Politician Doing Political Job at the Politics Building
A politician took a break from his politics job today to stand outside on the steps of the politics building and chastise citizens asking for a political solution to the latest in an endless...
Guy Who Came Up with Seasonal Affective Disorder Acronym Very Proud of Self
Nearly 30 years after a psychiatric study first described and named the syndrome, scientists are confirming the psychologist who discovered Seasonal Affective Disorder’s acronym, SAD, is still pretty fucking proud of himself.
“You should have...
Amazon Prime Air Develops First Remote-Control Drone That Doesn’t Break By End of Christmas Day
Determined to be at the forefront of remote-control drone technology, today Amazon’s Prime Air team announced its engineers have finally successfully created the first one ever that doesn’t break by the end of Christmas...
Local Casanova Comes to Bed Wearing Nothing but ‘I Voted’ Sticker
With election results expected to pour in long into the night, one local Casanova wooed his lover by coming to bed wearing nothing but his ‘I Voted’ sticker.
“Hey cutie, are you a drop box?...
