At The Needling, we pride ourselves on fair and balanced real fake news reporting, and sometimes that means reaching across the aisle for another perspective. This week, Rep. Matt Gaetz took time out of his busy schedule lurking outside DC-area high school girls volleyball games to sit down with us for an interview.
The Needling: Rep. Gaetz, thank you for your time.
Matt Gaetz: No, thank you so much for dragging me out to this liberal wasteland, the only good thing about this ANTIFA-infested shithole is you’ve got this stunning young woman on your billboards out here: redhead, freckles, some real grade-A veal. You think she’s single?
TN: Are you talking about the Wendy’s logo? Like the fast food restaurant?
MG: Wendy! What a sultry, supple young name—so you know her? She’s working at a fast food restaurant, so she’s gotta at least be in high school right? Do you think she’s legal?
TN: Why…why would we know that?
MG: Aren’t you people reporters? Why don’t you go on down to the local food court and report her A/S/L back to me.
TN: She’s a cartoon, so we don’t really know how old she is…
MG: See this is what’s wrong with the liberal media, there used to be a time when alpha males could inquire about barely legal cartoon mascots without being second guessed. First you took the Green M&M from men, what’s next—you gonna throw a potato sack over that hot little number on the Morton’s salt container? Is Wendy legal or not?
TN: Well, Wendy is based on a real person, but we’re pretty sure she’s married with kids.
MG: Oh gross, you could have told me she was my age! This interview is over—well, unless that Starbucks chick has a younger sister, then could you pass her this note from me?
