Today ICE began filling in for unpaid TSA workers at airports across the country to make sure that ICE agents were the only terrorists walking around the nation’s airports.
“While TSA workers have been quitting or not going to work because they haven’t been getting paid, we’re just here to make sure that we’re the only ones at airports using violence against non-combatants to achieve political or ideological aims,” said Agent Ryan Erkhart. “Could you imagine how sad it would be if a foreign terrorist destroyed or ended your life instead of domestic one? Not on our watch. If anyone’s going to randomly instill fear through violence committed against innocent people here, it’s gonna be us.”
ICE agents said they hoped filling in for TSA would help keep security lines from getting longer.
“And by fill in, I mostly mean filling in a giant cup of coke and just standing around doing nothing,” said Agent Erkhart. “Lots of people just turned away with their suitcases without even getting in the security line as soon as they saw us—seems to be working like a charm!”
At press time, Sea-Tac Airport confirmed it has repeatedly declined offers of assistance from ICE because it generally prefers not having any kind of terrorists around at all.
