Today the country’s leading champions of democracy came together to urge all Americans to vote early as they can, and then get lost deep within the nearest corn maze until it’s all over.
“With the Trump administration’s expected tampering in mid-term elections nationwide, it’s more important than ever to vote as early as you can, then immediately hide in the corny labrynthine bowels of your closest rural farm until it’s all over just like I’m about to right now,” said Sen. Maria Cantwell as she hoisted a full, 60-pound backpack onto her shoulders and started heading inside Bob’s Corn Maze. “What’s the ‘all’ in ‘all over?’ Hide in a corn maze for two weeks after voting early, and maybe you’ll never have to know. Trust me: I’ve actually been out here hiding from it all until my term ends in 2031 for quite some time now.”
While some local voters said they plan to vigilantly stay where they are to GOTV and make sure mid-term elections are carried out as fairly as possible, others agreed it sounded like a good plan.
“I’ve never camped in a cornfield, but I agree that voting early and then doing literally anything but doomscrolling for the next two weeks sounds great,” said Washington voter Carrie Miller before disappearing into a haunted Snohomish corn maze. “Stalker Farms says they’ll even pay me if every now and then I chase people away from my hiding spot because after a few nights I’ll look scarier than anyone they could pay to dress like a zombie—so, great deal overall.”
Due to its glacial vote-counting process, officials reminded Washington residents who don’t want to stressfully check 4 p.m. ballot drops for seven days straight to add an extra week of hiding.
