SPD to Receive 23% Retroactive Raise, or 4% for Every Officer Present on January 6th
The tentative Seattle Police Officers’ Guild contract released this week includes a 23% retroactive wage bump that was calculated by increasing their wage almost 4% for each of the six SPD officers present during...
Overpopulated Tech Bros Airlifted and Relocated to Olympic Peninsula
With mating season just around the corner, Seattle Parks and Recreation has already gotten to work on relocating the city’s overpopulated herds of tech bros to the Olympic Peninsula.
“The fellas mean well, but...
Chaotic Incident Wipes Out Entire City of Tacoma, Reports CNN
CNN and many other of the nation’s most trusted media outlets are reporting that some kind of chaotic incident this afternoon has apparently taken out the entire city of Tacoma.
“It seems that at about...
Citing Need to Attract More Assholes, SPD Adds Teslas to Fleet
After years of struggling to recruit enough assholes into its ranks, today the City of Seattle said it would be adding Teslas to its Seattle Police Department’s cruiser fleet.
“It takes a lot more than...
Seattle Welcomes Spring with Deafening Citywide Rattling of Iced Lattes
This week Seattle excitedly welcomed the return of the sun, clear skies and warmer weather with a deafening citywide rattling of the first iced lattes residents have had in months.
“I know Seattle usually makes...
Natalie’s Boyfriend Sweeps WA Primary with Flood of ‘Uncommitted’ Votes
As the first wave of Washington state primary election results came in Tuesday night, it became quickly clear that Natalie’s boyfriend Trevor had already won a decisive victory with an unprecedented number of votes...
Seattle Makes Appointment For STI Screening After Gum Wall Spreads to Bezos Balls
A panicked Seattle made a last-minute doctor's appointment for an STI screening today after noticing the gum wall had spread all the way to its Bezos Balls.
“I thought it was just a topical gum...
Green Lake Coyote Just Trying to Get in 10,000 Steps Before Animal Control Called
Anxiously glancing over its shoulder as it trotted past the
Green Lake Boathouse, a Seattle-area resident coyote expressed hope it could
reach its daily step goal before someone called animal control officers.
“The whole den is...
SPD Speeds Up Response Times After Telling Officers There’s Cocaine at Every Crime Scene
After it was widely reported that it took 20 minutes for Seattle Police Department officers to arrive at a shooting scene with a victim less than five minutes away, SPD Chief Adrian Diaz says...
George Washington Actually Thinks He Looks Pretty Dumb on State Flag Too
After generations of Washingtonians looking at him weird, today former U.S. President George Washington broke centuries of silence to say that he actually thinks he looks pretty dumb on their state flag too.
“Look,...
