SPD Sweeps Homeless Encampment
Seattle police reclaimed another green space tonight, sweeping an encampment that had sprouted up on the lawn of Capitol Hill’s Central Lutheran Church.
“We had performed exhaustive outreach to the unhoused living in the encampment,...
Sound Transit Studies Proposal to Create Task Force for Development of Framework for Reducing Bureaucratic Overhead
The Sound Transit Board announced today a new effort to reduce their red tape budget by strongly considering a new whitepaper on the benefits of a dedicated committee for the creation and implementation of...
The Needling Buys KOMO
This morning The Needling acquired local conservative TV news station KOMO to officially become Seattle’s leader in both real fake news and fake real news.
“It’s true: With the generous $10 backing of Needling follower...
Gov. Inslee to Seize Absolute Power with Covid Protocols Any Day Now
With less than three months until the end of his third and final term as governor, sources confirm Jay Inslee is finally expected to seize absolute control of the state of Washington using the...
Washington Elects Nation’s First Fergalicious Governor
History was made tonight when Washington state elected the nation’s first-ever Fergalicious governor, Bob Ferguson.
“Our campaign and my upper back humps took our lovely little lumps, but tonight we can say we’ve finally broken...
“These People Drive Like Idiots,” Say 12,000 I-5 Drivers in Unison
In a display of universal synchronicity during today’s rush hour, a record 12,287 I-5 drivers collectively complained “you all drive like complete goddamn jagoffs” at the exact same time.
“First time driving, huh?” chuckled 12,287...
Landlord Raises Pet Rent After Discovery of Wasp Nest
Today a landlord raised a local renter’s pet rent after discovering he had not disclosed keeping an adorable nest of pet wasps on the property.
“Thought you were being slick hiding them here in the...
Heartwarming: City Officials Spell Out ‘One Seattle’ in Belongings Confiscated from the Homeless
Seattle residents were treated to a heartwarming gesture of civic unity today after city officials spelled the Mayor Bruce Harrell’s slogan "One Seattle" out of the seized belongings from homeless encampments police swept with...
Libertarian Friend Finally Admits He’s Just An Asshole
After years of trying to get a confession of douchebaggery out of local Libertarian Chase Dickerson, his liberal friends are reporting today they finally have it.
“At approximately 10:08 a.m. today, Mr. Dickerson of...
SPD Recruitment Test Standards Lowered to Just Coloring Inside the Thin Blue Line
With Seattle Police Department recruitment flagging despite throwing most of the city budget at them, the SPD announced plans to boost enrollment by lowering the testing standards to just coloring within the thin blue...
