Guest Column by District 5 Seattle City Councilmember Cathy Moore
We live in extremely politically divisive times, and that’s why it’s more important than ever to ask for more civility by repeatedly publicly threatening to open a can of whoop-ass on anyone who disagrees with you, doesn’t immediately follow your orders like when you were a court judge, or—God forbid—holds a mirror up to your face. Here are my favorite ways to ask for more civility and why:
- Publicly threaten to lose your motherfucking shit like you’re at a WWE match: This is an extremely kind, calm and mature way to get people to be more thankful you’re not currently punching a hole in their face with a gavel—well, as long as you never look up the textbook definitions of coercive control and emotional abuse. Please don’t!
- Do something extremely petty like destroying an affordable housing program that otherwise has wide public support: Let’s say you have some uncivilized Council colleague like Tammy Morales who has spent two years carefully planning a program that cuts red tape for developers and non-profits who want to work together on building sorely needed affordable housing in Seattle – and it doesn’t even cost the city a dime! But you oppose it. And then for some reason that bitch tells the public you oppose it. Burn that shit and her to the ground. Show Tammy and the rest of your constituents who’s boss. Then maybe next time they’ll be more civil by not telling the public the truth about you.
- Ask the guards to immediately arrest and jail them: Anytime anyone commits the violent act of not liking you, your views, or your actions, it’s grounds for jailtime just like with those public commenters speaking up for homeless asylum seekers a few months ago. So don’t be afraid to ask a nearby cop to literally drag your haters away because you definitely paid them off well enough with that extra dough from furloughing public library employees. Sometimes this is the only path to peace when someone commits the crime of disagreeing with you.
- Ask someone like Rob Saka to say a bunch of shit that makes no sense to anyone including himself: There’s no fighting when everyone’s too sleepy and/or confused to add anything.
- Talk to them like they’re a misbehaving child at a public, recorded meeting: Don’t worry: It doesn’t come off as extremely patronizing, entitled, privileged or racist at all because all you’re asking for is a little civility.
- Publicly accuse the uncivil person of doing something uncivil without ever answering questions about what specifically that uncivil thing they did was besides being deeply disappointed in you: If you send people on enough of a goose chase for the tea, they hopefully won’t notice how much you’ve just been projecting your own horrible character traits onto someone else this whole time.
