After reckoning with the unsustainability of keeping an airline financially afloat if jet fuel prices keep skyrocketing with no end in sight, today sources confirmed Alaska Airlines is preparing to pivot to dog sledding just in case the whole airline industry thing doesn’t work out.
“We’ve crunched the numbers and it looks like higher baggage fees and canceling several flights in May and June isn’t going to be enough to make doing this airline thing pencil out under these economic conditions,” Alaska CEO Ben Minicucci said in a private meeting today. “We’re going to have to go back to our roots, back to Alaska, and pivot to dog sledding. Now, I know it may be embarrassing to head back home with a literal tail between our legs, but I’m afraid that even with a smaller Arctic market increasingly facing the effects of melting snow due to climate change, it still somehow looks more sustainable on all fronts than any business that relies on oil.”
Airline pilots and attendants were seen today in Juneau already getting in their first day of dog-sled musher training.
“I’m actually quite fine with this—way better than guessing if there’s enough air traffic controllers on any amount of sleep availble to prevent me from crashing into someone,” said pilot Hank Tompkins before watching in horror as one of the Alaska Mushlines sleds somehow exploded in a ball of fire in the distance. “Goddamnit they’re still working with Boeing?”
At press time, Southwest was reportedly also looking into a pivot to a rebooted Pony Express.
