After weeks of Starbucks leadership telling every major newspaper in the country how mean Seattle Mayor Katie Wilson’s been to them by publicly not liking them, today she formally apologized saying she thought they knew everyone here including herself hated them already.
“I’m so sorry—I honestly thought you already knew,” said Mayor Wilson. “If I had known you had no idea the city that elected me mayor hates bad coffee, union-busting, people who sell their basketball team to Oklahoma City, replaces workers with AI, and resists fair taxation at every turn, I wouldn’t have been as publicly flippant about it. No one deserves to find out for the first time how much they are widely disliked from a city’s mayor as crowds loudly cheer and applaud in agreement like that and I’m sorry.”
In addition to speaking at a strike against Starbucks on her first day in office this year as the company shuttered one unionized cafe after another, Starbucks leadership says they’ve been crying under sheets in dark bedrooms ever since she said at another public event that claims people will leave the state over the Millionaires Tax “are, like, super overblown and the ones that leave, like, ‘bye.'”
“The way she just, like, waved when she said ‘bye’ really made us feel like if we left the most tax-regressive state in the country over a tax that only affects people making more than a million dollars a year we wouldn’t be missed at all,” said former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz, now its chairman emeritus. “It’s just a really awful way to find out for the first time I guess no one likes you and would even laugh and celebrate when you announce you’re running away to Florida or some other Southern right-to-work state, and she should have known that.”
Asked if the company would be doing anything in Seattle to make amends and earn back people’s respect, Starbucks confirmed their plan for getting people here to like them again is mostly just publicly pressuring Mayor Wilson to be a good little girl and not ever say anything mean about them or other local rich patriarchs again.
