After rumors that the corporate coffee giant no longer cares about the city that put it on the map, this week Starbucks confirmed plans to make Seattle a coffee utopia again by moving its headquarters to Nashville.
“It’s always been a priority for Starbucks to keep Seattle the Coffee Capital of the World, and that’s why this week we’re committing to finally moving completely out of it,” said CEO Brian Niccol. “Howard’s obviously already out and we’re shutting down as many Seattle stores as possible as well to make way for more independent cafés with coffee a million times better than we’ve ever brewed, thereby forever cleansing this city of its association with a brand known for burnt coffee.”
Coffee lovers across Seattle rejoiced as the news spread that the decades-long curse of the sugar-drowned bitter bean water was over.
“The cafés are healing,” said Seattle resident Teresa Parker as she watched a pretentious AF indie specialty coffee roaster set up shop in an old Starbucks location. “I was always hoping that Starbucks would go back to their roots of once again not existing here. Now every dollar spent on coffee in this city will go to people who give an actual shit about how it’s made, all thanks to Starbucks’ investment in getting the fuck out of Seattle.”
Although most of the city is expected to return to its full caffeinated glory, Starbucks said the one exception would be its “first” café at Pike Place Market that would remain hell on Earth.
