This week a Seattle judge who ordered the man that threw a rock at an endangered monk seal return to Hawaii for court also ordered the general public to know this piece of shit is from Covington, not Seattle.
“I hereby order Igor Lytvynchuk to return to Hawaii to face federal penalties of up to a $70,000 fine and year in prison, and for the general public to note this guy is actually from a suburb people live in just to seem 2% better than people in Kent, not Seattle,” said U.S. District Judge Paula McCandlis. “Sure, we have many pieces of our own shit living in Laurelhurst, etc, but please let it be stated for the record that this particular steaming pile of crap is from Covington.”
After the man is sentenced in Hawaii for hitting beloved monk seal “Lani” in the head with a rock, Seattle is nonetheless still planning its own punishment for the man.
“It’s already a crime to say you’re from Seattle when you’re not, but to do that while breaking the law to hurt an adorable animal is certainly an enhancement to that crime,” said actual Seattle resident Rachel Moore. “Just don’t be surprised if on his next visit to Pike Place Market someone throws a giant fish at his head.”
In the meantime, Hawaii was reportedly waiting for anyone in either Seattle or Covington to kick his ass too.
