Whole Nation Misses President’s Speech Because Jimothy
Despite President Trump giving everyone four days to highly anticipate and watch his primetime address Thursday night, the entire nation unfortunately missed the whole...
Seattle Mourns Starbucks as Old Locations Fill with Infinitely Better Coffee and Pastries
Today Seattle continued to mourn the closure of several Starbucks cafes as their old locations sadly began to fill with small businesses serving infinitely...
Nation Almost Kills All Sexist 9-to-5 Bosses in Loving Tribute to Dolly Parton
In a loving tribute to legendary songwriter, actor, business leader and philanthropist Dolly Parton, today the nation came together to almost kill their sexist...
Sen. Cantwell Assured Her ‘Love My Bibi’ Tramp Stamp Still Okay
After days of the nation regretting not taking former U.S. Senate candidate Graham Platner’s Nazi tattoo seriously enough, today the Democratic National Committee and...
Nation Reminded This Is Last Day You Can Talk About Jimothy
Just in case anyone forgot or has been too busy crocheting the visage of the nation’s favorite short-spined raccoon, today the nation was reminded...
Some Asshole Still Setting Off Blue Angels
Several days after Seafair ended, some asshole is reportedly still setting off Blue Angels over your neighborhood.
“God, I usually try to be understanding of...
Smokey Bear Authorized by NPS to Maul Noncompliant Campers
Underfunded, undermanned and facing the threat of another dire wildfire season in the midst of a global pandemic, a desperate U.S. National Park Service...
Local Woman Just Thinks Flaming Forest Could Find More Peaceful Way to Protest Climate Change
Although she totally believes global warming is an immediate existential threat to many, local woman Sherry Hayes said she thinks forests could protest climate...
Experts Find Smoking Filtered Cigarettes Reduces Risk of Breathing Seattle’s Air
A new public health study out today found that smoking filtered cigarettes significantly reduces the risks of directly inhaling air in Seattle.
“In addition to...
Leftist US World Cup Team Fan Promises to Go Back to Being Ashamed of Country for 4th of July
After raising eyebrows the last two weeks as he wore the American flag like a cape and led patriotic chants all across Seattle, local...
