Look of Disappointment in Father’s Eyes is Gift Enough, Says Bellevue High Goth
After weeks of struggling to figure out what his son really wants for Christmas, Bellevue High School goth Brennan Kowalski assured his father that the look of disappointment he gives every time his son...
New Off-leash Baby Park to Open in Capitol Hill
After years of complaints about parents letting their babies roam around off-leash in Capitol Hill’s Cal Anderson Park, today the City of Seattle announced plans to open a new off-leash baby area in the...
Mt. Rainier Suffers Seasonal Affective Disorder, Will Winter in Tucson
Saying 500,000 years is long enough, Mt. Rainier announced today it’s relocating to the desert Southwest gem of Tucson, Ariz. for the winter.
“I deserve to be happy,” said the mountain during an impassioned...
Voters Pass Mental Healthcare Levy for People Who Always Think They’re Gonna Find Parking on Capitol Hill
Today’s latest ballot drop confirmed Seattle voters have approved a long-needed levy aimed at boosting mental health resources specifically for people who always think they’re gonna find parking on Capitol Hill.
“A lot of us...
Sound Transit Board Announces Projected Date for Appointing New CEO Is 2045
Following the unexpected and early resignation of Sound Transit CEO Julie Timm on Tuesday, this morning the Sound Transit Board announced the projected date for appointing her replacement is 2045.
"It'll take us between six...
County Looks to Increase Voter Turnout by Dragging Your Ass to the Dropbox Themselves
In a desperate attempt to raise King County’s sad, off-year voter turnout, poll workers for the November general election are being tasked with physically dragging voters to their local drop box.
“We’re not messing around,...
‘Wow, It’s Getting Late in the Year,’ Say Seattleites Hoping Sun Will Finally Take a Fucking Hint
After agreeing they had a lovely time together, today people all over Seattle are talking about how close we’re getting to winter in hopes the sun will finally take a fucking hint and get...
Seattle Voters Already Disappointed by City Council They Just Elected
Moments after the Seattle City Council race was certified today, a collective groan could be heard throughout the Emerald City.
“When I voted for Joy Hollingsworth, I was super excited about what she planned to...
Mayor Harrell Announces Police Officers Will Recite Land Acknowledgement Before Sweeping Homeless Native Americans on Indigenous Peoples’ Day
In a moving and unprecedented show of deference, today Seattle Mayor Bruce Harrell announced he’s ensuring every police officer recites a land acknowledgment before sweeping homeless Native Americans this Indigenous Peoples’ Day.
"It is vital...
Mayor Harrell Follows Shotspotter Ask with Shitspotter Technology to Detect Dog Poop Anywhere in City
As the Seattle City Council's budget committee debated whether to approve funding for Shotspotter’s controversial and reportedly ineffective gunshot detection technology, today Mayor Bruce Harrell announced his intention to also ask for the funding...
