Seattle Voters Already Disappointed by City Council They Just Elected
Moments after the Seattle City Council race was certified today, a collective groan could be heard throughout the Emerald City.
“When I voted for Joy Hollingsworth, I was super excited about what she planned to...
Mayor Harrell Announces Police Officers Will Recite Land Acknowledgement Before Sweeping Homeless Native Americans on Indigenous Peoples’ Day
In a moving and unprecedented show of deference, today Seattle Mayor Bruce Harrell announced he’s ensuring every police officer recites a land acknowledgment before sweeping homeless Native Americans this Indigenous Peoples’ Day.
"It is vital...
Mayor Harrell Follows Shotspotter Ask with Shitspotter Technology to Detect Dog Poop Anywhere in City
As the Seattle City Council's budget committee debated whether to approve funding for Shotspotter’s controversial and reportedly ineffective gunshot detection technology, today Mayor Bruce Harrell announced his intention to also ask for the funding...
Local Homeowner Demands Veterans Day Recognition for Living in “Ballard War Zone”
Today local homeowner Terry Wilson made it clear that he demands proper recognition as an American veteran for his years of living through the notorious war zone that is Seattle’s Ballard neighborhood.
“You have no...
Election Officials Add Ballot Drop on Mailbox Peak for Voters Who Really Want to Show Off
Ballot return rates spiked this week after King County Election officials recently added a new ballot drop-box to the top of Mailbox Peak for voters who really want to show off their civic prowess.
“At...
Leaf Blower Gangs Clash in Major Blowout at 10th and Union
Capitol Hill residents jolted awake this morning to the unmistakable sound of rival leaf blower gangs furiously blowing leaves and trash back and forth over the borders of each other’s treacherous, tree-lined territories.
“This has...
Text Alert: 1 Line On Time But Wanted To Check In Because They’ve Been Thinking About You A Lot Lately
With the 1 Line under construction for nearly a month, Sound Transit light rail riders are receiving constant texts about delays and mechanical issues. But Saturday night at 11:44 p.m., Rachel received a text...
Blood-soaked Mansion with Loose Murderer Inside Still Going for $900k on Zillow
Despite home prices reportedly going down after a housing market surge in which many million-dollar homes were bought with cash offers, one blood-soaked Seattle mansion with a loose, active murderer running around inside—rusty chainsaw...
Environmental Disaster Declared After Defunct Theo Chocolate Factory Dumps Gallons of Crude Cocoa Into Fremont Cut
Following the closing of the beloved Theo Chocolate Factory last week, an environmental disaster was officially declared today after the chocolate containment was breached, dumping gallons of crude cocoa into the Fremont Cut.
“Boats stuck...
Brave! Local Woman Says Murdering Children Is Bad
Today one local woman courageously spoke out on social media to announce her controversial political stance that slaughtering children is bad.
“I know I’m probably gonna lose a lot of social media followers over this,...
