Beth’s Cafe Celebrates 10,000th Heart Attack
Seattle’s favorite greasy spoon since 1954 and home of the 12-egg omelet, Beth’s Café, proudly announced today that it had reached its 10,000th customer...
Connecticut Ordered to Stop Calling That Pizza
After decades of countless warnings, today Connecticut was formally ordered by the rest of the United States to stop calling whatever the fuck that...
Car-Free Pike Place Market Pilot Deemed Too Successful to Continue
Citing positive feedback and increased foot traffic that grew day after day for a year and a half, next week the car-free Pike Place...
Report: Canada Geese Tourism to United States Down 85%
In yet another negative impact on the U.S. economy as the tariff wars between the neighboring North American nations escalate, today a report confirmed...
Smokey Bear Authorized by NPS to Maul Noncompliant Campers
Underfunded, undermanned and facing the threat of another dire wildfire season in the midst of a global pandemic, a desperate U.S. National Park Service...
Chonkers Tells San Francisco He’s Just Up in Seattle on Business
After days of San Francisco wondering where its newest seaside celebrity, Chonkers, has been, today the gigantic 2,000-pound sea lion let them know he’s...
Starbucks Promises to Make Seattle Coffee Utopia Again by Moving to Nashville
After rumors that the corporate coffee giant no longer cares about the city that put it on the map, this week Starbucks confirmed plans...
Ivar’s Restaurants Release 50,000 Pounds of Fried Prawns Back Into Ocean For Earth Day
In an impassioned and excessive display of environmentalism, local restaurant chain, Ivar’s, released 50,000 pounds of fried prawns into the Puget Sound for Earth...
Cocaine Salmon Would Like to See You Swim That Far Upstream without a Little Bump
As appalling news spread of how rampant the presence of cocaine is in salmon these days, one irritable local Coho on the ‘caine said...
Mariners Fans Heading to Game on Ferry Opt for $8 Nacho Upgrade
After agreeing they were all unusually hungry for some reason, Mariners fans heading to the game today on the ferry collectively opted for the...
