Danish Cookie Tin Enjoys Final Moments of Not Carrying Sewing Supplies
Today one local Royal Dansk tin resting in a spread of Thanksgiving desserts with just a few Danish butter cookies left in its paper cups shared gratitude for its final moments of not carrying...
Bezos Travels to Amazon Rainforest to Search for Endangered Birds to Stuff Inside Turducken
Not satisfied with a level of decadence that would instantly kill a medieval peasant, Jeff Bezos reportedly traveled to the Amazon rainforest today in search of new endangered birds to stuff inside his Turducken...
SPD Officer Instinctively Turns Off Body Cam Before Approaching Dark Turkey Meat
Today one Seattle police officer nearly ruined Thanksgiving after he instinctively turned off his body camera and reached for his sidearm while approaching the turkey's dark meat.
"Hey, pal, wings where I can see them–I...
Dog Scientists Recommend Leaving Thanksgiving Turkey Unattended for 5 Minutes
As the nation prepares for Thanksgiving festivities, a panel of dog scientists released an official statement today recommending that you should leave the turkey completely unattended for the next five minutes while you go...
Boeing Celebrates DB Cooper Day by Removing Plane Doors Mid-flight
Today Boeing commemorated the legendary sky-diving escape of hijacker D.B. Cooper—never to be seen again—on this day Nov. 24, 1971 by festively popping doors off its planes midflight.
“Doors and windows weren’t cracking and popping...
Fun Sized Candy Isn’t
Contrary to claims on the front of bags of confections packing grocery store aisles for the holiday season, reports are coming in from candy experts across the nation today that fun-sized candy actually isn’t.
“What...
Boeing Threatens Striking Workers with Airline Tickets
After striking IAMAW members voted to reject the latest labor deal by 64%, Boeing is now threatening the union with airline tickets on Boeing aircrafts.
“CEO Kelly Ortberg basically just put a bloody horse head...
New Dick’s-a-thon Route Just Endless Loop Between Pony and The Cuff
Today organizers of this weekend’s annual Dick’s-a-thon run—benefitting local search and rescue groups and the Washington National Parks Fund—announced a new alternate route that is a just an endless loop between Capitol Hill’s Pony...
Man Buys Artisan Loaf at Met Market, Forever Abandoning Dreams of Home Ownership
Today Lower Queen Anne resident Daniel Forsythe made the life-altering decision to buy an artisan loaf of garlic rosemary bread at Metropolitan Market, forever abandoning his dreams of home ownership.
“Look, I’d have loved to...
Study Finds Seattle Is Best City for Pizza and for People Who Are Welcoming to Transplants
According to a new and completely credible study worth talking about by a random AI-powered company we’re not gonna look into and explain too much about here, Seattle has officially been named the best...
