As appalling news spread of how rampant the presence of cocaine is in salmon these days, one irritable local Coho on the ‘caine said he’d like to see you swim that far upstream without a little help.
“How else did you think we were making it through those Ballard Locks, buddy?” said Coho Caine, who Swedish scientists recently discovered can swim twice as fast and as far on cocaine. “You don’t understand what it’s like out here in the salmon biz: It’s all around us all the time—we’re literally swimming in it. Everyone’s on it! Even chums you wouldn’t expect. Don’t even get me started on how much Humpy loves his ‘melted snow.’”
Environmentalists were nonetheless concerned and wanted to know what they could do to intervene and get the drug as well as likely many others out of salmon populations before it’s too late.
“You want to know how to help get me clean? How bout get clean yourself, motherfuckers,” Coho said. “Oh, we know all about all your dirty secrets and addictions, especially oil. Price on the streets skyrocketed this whole last month and y’all are still hooked. Don’t project your issues onto me—maybe clean up your own side of polluted street first.”
In completely unrelated news, local baked salmon-lover Rep. Marie Gluesenkamp-Perez has apparently escalated her war on salmon-binging sea lions from memes that don’t make any sense to screenplays that don’t make any sense.
