Seattle Mariners Announce You Are Playing Outfield Next Season in Latest Cost-Saving Move
Despite bragging about being the most profitable team in baseball just last year, today the Seattle Mariners have announced that you will be playing...
Mayor Harrell Follows Shotspotter Ask with Shitspotter Technology to Detect Dog Poop Anywhere in City
As the Seattle City Council's budget committee debated whether to approve funding for Shotspotter’s controversial and reportedly ineffective gunshot detection technology, today Mayor Bruce...
Election Officials Add Ballot Drop on Mailbox Peak for Voters Who Really Want to Show Off
Ballot return rates spiked this week after King County Election officials recently added a new ballot drop-box to the top of Mailbox Peak for...
Dog Waiting for Mealtime Didn’t Sign Up For This Daylight Savings Bullshit
After mealtimes started suddenly being withheld from dogs across the city for what some canines are calling an eternity this weekend, one local pup...
Awestruck Man Riding Great Wheel Could See House From Here If He Could Afford One
One awestruck man enjoying the view from the Great Wheel today exclaimed that he could probably see his house from all the way up...
Witch’s Curse Dooms Man to Pick Wrong Line at Dick’s for Eternity
After callously cutting off a local witch and stealing her parking space at the Wallingford Dick’s, one man has reportedly been cursed to choose...
Julio Rodriguez Disappointed to Learn He Can’t Bring Home Run Trident on Roller Coaster
Mariners All-Star Julio Rodriguez was reportedly disappointed today when he was turned away from a Washington State Fair roller coaster after being told he...
Blood-soaked Mansion with Loose Murderer Inside Still Going for $900k on Zillow
Despite home prices reportedly going down after a housing market surge in which many million-dollar homes were bought with cash offers, one blood-soaked Seattle...
Environmental Disaster Declared After Defunct Theo Chocolate Factory Dumps Gallons of Crude Cocoa Into Fremont Cut
Following the closing of the beloved Theo Chocolate Factory last week, an environmental disaster was officially declared today after the chocolate containment was breached,...
Fremont Overrun with Concertgoers After Dave Matthews Accidentally Books Weekend at ‘The George’
Fremont was unexpectedly flooded by thousands of Dave Matthews fans today after his concert booker reportedly accidentally booked his annual weekend-long concert series at...
