Despite home prices reportedly going down after a housing market surge in which many million-dollar homes were bought with cash offers, one blood-soaked Seattle mansion with a loose, active murderer running around inside—rusty chainsaw in-hand—is still going for $900k on Zillow.
“Blood-soaked murder mansions with live sado-psychopaths still inside were once looked down upon due to the frequency of horrific killings on the premises, but many first-time home buyers are now desperate enough to be talked into these fixer-uppers,” said realtor Piper Turner, fluttering around the property while sweeping loose teeth under the stove. “An inexperienced eye might fixate on the cursed psychiatric ward the foundation was built on, or the backyard cemetery that surfaces human remains every time it rains—but I choose to see it’s true potential. Dank torture basement? Mount a flatscreen TV on those shackle mounts and you’ve got yourself a rumpus room. And that aged shed full of rusted chainsaws? Move a pool table over that pile of bloody hair caked on the floor drain and you’ve got yourself one heck of a man cave.”
Although the Open House Slasher was still running amok somewhere in the vicinity, droves of ravenous house hunters came from far and wide to survey what could be their new nightmare home.
“The way the economy is right now, we’re going to have to make a few concessions if we want to own a home—especially anywhere in or near Seattle,” whispered Tommy Freeling to his fiancé while cowering under the bed as a knife-wielding murderer stalked through the nearby hallway. “I’ll admit it’s going to be a little tricky sharing 1.5 bathrooms with a 7-foot masked maniac, but if we can barricade ourselves in the office-slash-spare bedroom during work-from-home hours, I think we can make a mortgage for a $900,000 home work.”
Although the Freelings were early favorites to land the property, foreign investors from Transylvania reportedly already swooped in at dusk and purchased the home for $200k above listing in cash.
