One awestruck man enjoying the view from the Great Wheel today exclaimed that he could probably see his house from all the way up here, if he could hypothetically afford one.
“The view is just incredible, I bet I’d be able to see my house from here if I was born in 1952 and bought one for $70,000 on a bus driver salary 40 years ago,” said Clark Morrison, snapping a picture of the view from the Great Wheel. “It really makes you feel so insignificant—not so much witnessing the scale of the city from here, more the realization that I’ll never be able to afford a home in our current capitalist hellscape. Hey cool, I think that’s the bus stop that will take me home to my $2,500 one-bedroom rental until I get priced out of the city next year!”
As scores of visitors left the waterfront attraction in a depressed state after realizing they’ll never be able to afford their slice of the American dream under current conditions, employees at the wheel were left puzzled by the reaction.
“Why is everyone sobbing when they get off The Great Wheel? It’s not that scary, I haven’t even touched the forbidden Turbo button today,” said operator Malcom Ross, handing out tissues to riders exiting the Ferris wheel. “I asked one guy if he had fun and he was just dead-eyed, muttering ‘subprime mortgage’ over and over to himself.”
Leaders at an international business summit later chastised young workers, advising them that they could afford a house if they stopped going on Ferris wheels and scrubbed any remaining joy from their lives.
