Man Wins Seattlers of Catan by Hoarding All Gore-Tex Resources
One local man declared total victory over his opponents at Mox Boarding House today after deploying a bold “hoard all Gore-Tex resources” strategy to...
Lauren Sanchez Left at Home After Jeff Bezos Only Able to Score One Taylor Swift Ticket
Trouble in paradise is brewing for Jeff Bezos today after he made the controversial decision to leave his fiancée, Lauren Sanchez, at home when...
Chaotic College Football Conference Shuffle Somehow Lands Wazzu in MLS
Following a chaotic dismantling of the Pac-12 that saw UW and Oregon join the Big Ten, a scrambling WSU administration was shocked to learn...
“Seattle Freeze in Full Effect,” Declares Room of Transplants Not Speaking to Each Other
The Cleveland-born founder of the Seattle SuperThawNics — a new support group for lonely transplants unable to navigate their new home’s frigid, post-apocalyptic streets...
Orca Pod Commandeers Fireworks Boat, Points Pyrotechnic Cannons at Jeff Bezos’ Yacht
Following a series of coordinated attacks on extravagant sailing vessels across the world, today one orca pod escalated their assault on the 1% after...
Starbucks Introduces New Pumpkin Spice HEPA Filters
Determined to pump just as many customers with pumpkin spice spirit as ever despite oppressive wildfire smoke and resurfacing pandemic conditions, Starbucks released a...
Hidden Speakeasy Entrance Actually Just Some Guy’s Kitchen Window
The hottest new speakeasy in town abruptly shut down today after it was revealed that patrons had mistaken his kitchen window for a hidden...
Discovery Park Blackberry Bushes Pick Off Straggling Jogger
A relaxing after-work jog turned deadly for one man today after he fell behind his jogging pack and was picked off by the voracious...
Seattle’s Anti-Homeless Architecture Enters Art Deco Phase
Seattle’s elite are rejoicing today after the installation of new public fixtures with stylized geometric details designed to ward off people have signaled that...
Fremont Solstice Organizers Draw Line at Naked Unicyclists
As onlookers eagerly awaited the free-spirited Fremont Solstice Parade’s naked bicyclists, event organizers announced that for the first time they had to draw line...
