Man Operating Under Assumption He Important Enough to Cancel
Following a flurry of racist and sexist tweets directed towards everyone from Rep. Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez and Dr. Fauci to LeBron James and Lola Bunny,...
Jordan Peterson Bursts into Tears, Cancels Climate Pledge Show After Seeing Female-Dominated Workplace
Anti-woke commentator Jordan Peterson reportedly burst into tears and cancelled his show at Climate Pledge Arena today after being confronted with a female-dominated workplace.
"I...
‘Don’t Worry, I Used to Fly in the Midwest,’ Announces Pilot Moments Before Slowly Sliding Into Parked Planes
As delays at Sea-Tac Airport continue to pile up due to slippery runway conditions, one Midwestern pilot reassured his passengers he was more than...
Unkempt Skagit Valley Tulips Engulf La Conner
A year’s worth of out-of-control, untended-to tulips descended upon La Conner, home of last year’s cancelled Skagit Valley Tulip Festival, engulfing the bulbous town...
“Seattle Freeze in Full Effect,” Declares Room of Transplants Not Speaking to Each Other
The Cleveland-born founder of the Seattle SuperThawNics — a new support group for lonely transplants unable to navigate their new home’s frigid, post-apocalyptic streets...
Jeff Bezos Donates 2 Million Human Lungs to Bolster Coronavirus Relief Efforts
Much needed help materialized for coronavirus-inundated medical staff today when local billionaire and reluctant philanthropist Jeff Bezos arrived at Harborview Medical Center with truckloads...
Man Stuck in Aurora COVID Test Line Hoping to Make it Past Home Depot by Next Variant
With COVID cases surging and the Aurora testing line backed up for miles, one local man is holding out hope that he can make...
Conservative Seattle Blogger Enters 14th Year of Threatening to Leave Crime-Ridden Hellhole Forever
Following a traumatic encounter in which a sidewalk tent crossed into his line of sight, a conservative Seattle-based blogger declared today that he’s just...
Defiant Elmo Storms Sesame Street City Hall Demanding Right to Be Tickled
The peaceful neighborhood of Sesame Street erupted into chaos today as popular muppet Elmo led an anti-lockdown protest to the steps of City Hall...
Elon Musk Jolts Awake in Cold Sweat After Recurring Nightmare of Trans Athlete Dunking on Him
Multi-hyphenate tech CEO Elon Musk reportedly jolted awake in a cold sweat today after suffering a recurring nightmare of a transgender athlete dunking on...
