Nation Agrees Your Tiny, One-Road Country Town Definitely The One Getting Nuked by Iran
In a rare showing of national unity, the entire country has come together today to agree that your minuscule, strategically insignificant town is fucking...
Hidden Speakeasy Entrance Actually Just Some Guy’s Kitchen Window
The hottest new speakeasy in town abruptly shut down today after it was revealed that patrons had mistaken his kitchen window for a hidden...
Squirrel Bursts into Flames Signaling Six More Weeks of Heat Wave
Seattle meteorologists confirmed an additional six weeks of record Pacific Northwest heat waves today after local common gray squirrel Pyrotechnic Pete spontaneously burst into...
Lauren Sanchez Left at Home After Jeff Bezos Only Able to Score One Taylor Swift Ticket
Trouble in paradise is brewing for Jeff Bezos today after he made the controversial decision to leave his fiancée, Lauren Sanchez, at home when...
“Seattle Freeze in Full Effect,” Declares Room of Transplants Not Speaking to Each Other
The Cleveland-born founder of the Seattle SuperThawNics — a new support group for lonely transplants unable to navigate their new home’s frigid, post-apocalyptic streets...
ICE Deports Mariner Moose Back to Canada
The Mariner Moose was reportedly deported back to his native Canada by ICE agents today despite being a legal U.S. resident for the past...
Man Wins Seattlers of Catan by Hoarding All Gore-Tex Resources
One local man declared total victory over his opponents at Mox Boarding House today after deploying a bold “hoard all Gore-Tex resources” strategy to...
Rapidly Aging 23-Year-Old Already Unsure Who Half of Capitol Hill Block Party Lineup Is
It was a sobering day for Cooper Ryan as he opened The Stranger to find an unfamiliar lineup at this year’s Capitol Hill Block...
Genetically Enhanced ‘Super Doodle’ Escapes Rover HQ, Does Heckin’ Good Job Terrorizing Belltown
Seattle’s Belltown neighborhood is left in shambles today after a hulking, mutated ‘Super Doodle’ escaped overnight from a top-secret experimental lab housed within the...
Seahawks Honor Pete Carroll By Hanging His Gum From the Rafters
Following the shocking news that Pete Carroll would be stepping down as head coach, the Seahawks announced today that they would be honoring the...
