Dog Scientists Recommend Leaving Thanksgiving Turkey Unattended for 5 Minutes
As the nation prepares for Thanksgiving festivities, a panel of dog scientists released an official statement today recommending that you should leave the turkey...
Bezos Travels to Amazon Rainforest to Search for Endangered Birds to Stuff Inside Turducken
Not satisfied with a level of decadence that would instantly kill a medieval peasant, Jeff Bezos reportedly traveled to the Amazon rainforest today in...
Man Unable to Vote After Being Buried in Avalanche of Campaign Mailers
A local man’s chances of reaching the ballot box were smothered today after an avalanche of election campaign mailers buried him alive after opening...
Dozens Scalded After Mariners ‘Pumpkin Spice Latte from Heaven’ Promo Goes Wrong
Dozens of Mariners fans were reportedly injured today during a Starbucks-sponsored spin on the popular "Hot Dogs from Heaven" promo after a parachute malfunction...
Jeff Bezos Donates 2 Million Human Lungs to Bolster Coronavirus Relief Efforts
Much needed help materialized for coronavirus-inundated medical staff today when local billionaire and reluctant philanthropist Jeff Bezos arrived at Harborview Medical Center with truckloads...
Father-Son Phone Call Enters Record 14th Minute Following First Sports Event in Months
After the cancellation of most sports events nationwide resulted in a disheartening downturn in father-son phone calls, spirits rose again as a recent call...
Spawning Humans Return to Auburn to Breed and Then Slowly Die
As seasons change and nature takes its course, it’s that bittersweet time of year again when spawning humans begin returning to Auburn to breed...
Howard Schultz Enacts Anti-Union ‘Don’t Say Pay’ Policy at Starbucks
In an effort to curb a burgeoning unionization movement, today Starbucks Interim CEO Howard Schultz announced he’s instituting a “Don’t Say Pay” policy at...
Man in Head-to-Toe Carhartt Must Be Heading to Coal Mine After Shift at Vegan Dog Bakery
Customers at a local vegan dog bakery were impressed by the gritty work ethic of one of its Carhartt-clad employees, who everyone assumes must...
Smith Tower Vaporized After Seattle Central Library Accidentally Turns Sunbeam into Death Star Laser
Seattle unexpectedly lost a landmark today after a perfectly angled sunbeam bounced off Seattle Central Library’s windows and accidentally turned into a Death Star...
