Stuffing Turkey Most Intimacy Man Has Experienced Since March
Lacking any human touch since March, a Fremont man has experienced his first spark of intimacy in months today while stuffing and dressing his...
Local Woman Longs to Experience Other Bathrooms
Local woman Rachel Sellman confirmed witness reports today that her longing stares out rain-drenched windows are due to her endless craving for the novelty...
Woke Man Rushes to Make Amazon Purchases Ahead of Black Friday Boycott
Reportedly fed up with the capitalist greed plaguing America every holiday season, one woke Capitol Hill man spent the day preparing for his boycott...
Rudy Giuliani Slips From Shedded Skin to Elude Contact Tracers
CDC officials were left confused and thoroughly disgusted after former NYC Mayor Rudy Giuliani reportedly shed his outer layer of skin to escape the...
‘No, But We’re Really Strict with Our Pod,’ Says Woman in Six Pods
Having her pod of seven friends and their children over for Thanksgiving during the deadliest phase of the pandemic to date won’t be anything...
Exhausted Parents Consider Transitioning Son to Outdoor Child
Following eight exhausting months trapped inside with their offspring and attempting house-training, a Greenwood couple has reportedly begun preliminary discussions about moving their son...
Man Still Phone Banking For Love of the Game
As most Biden-Harris voters settled down Sunday after a full Saturday of partying, local Democrat Timothy Finnegan is still phone banking for what he...
Nation Chooses Correct Addle-Brained Septuagenarian
State election offices are confirming America’s voters have somehow narrowly managed to choose the correct addle-brained, white male septuagenarian to lead the country for...
Seattle Residents Quietly Inquiring How Much Actual ‘Liberal Bubble’ Would Cost
With pre-election anxiety at an all-time high, Seattle’s residents have reportedly started to inquire what it might cost to dome this fucker up and...
Man Relieved Axe Wielding Maniac Looming in Doorway is Wearing Mask
While public mask debates continue across the nation, a local man was reportedly quite impressed with the courtesy shown to him by the axe-wielding...
