State election offices are confirming America’s voters have somehow narrowly managed to choose the correct addle-brained, white male septuagenarian to lead the country for the next four years.
“I’m so happy that I get to wake up today and proudly tell my children that America did the blatantly obvious thing and chose the correct mentally declining elderly man to be President,” said Seattle resident Virginia Robinson, wiping a tear from her eye. “We were given the choice between two old men whose individual cognitive declines were so obvious that they constantly presented a political liability to themselves, and instead of choosing the two-bit dictator that has made life demonstrably worse in every measurable way over the last four years, we barely chose the other guy. God bless America.”
As news began to trickle in, America’s news pundits quickly chimed in with their two cents on the momentous occasion.
“You really gotta give the American people credit for getting it right the second time around only after President Trump took the reins of this great nation and immediately crashed it into a brick wall, killed your Grandma, and stole her gold fillings,” said CNN pundit Rick Baylor, reporting live from Washington D.C. “I know it must have been tough for the American people to rub enough brain cells together to choose between the banal, uninspiring idea of a Joe Biden presidency and a cartoonish villain who’s eroded every public institution we rely on, utterly failed to acknowledge a public health crisis that cost us the lives of 230,000 Americans, and fanned the flames of racism so much we’ve been placed at the precipice of a second Civil War. But we narrowly did it. It’s that kind of leadership on the world stage that makes us the greatest nation in the world.”
At press time, people who voted for the correct addle-brained septuagenarian confirmed that although they could not wait to see the wrong septuagenarian and his addle-brained supporters lose power, for now they will now proceed to cathartically sob, party and dance their asses off all at the same time.
