In a touching display of devotion toward one of the undeniably best presidents the United States has ever had, today local Washington state politicians came together to make public comments about Israel shooting Aysenur Ezgi Eygi—an American citizen and UW grad from West Seattle—in the head so Joe Biden didn’t have to. Such patriots!
“Joe’s just been so stressed out and depressed lately after everyone stopped pretending it would be a good idea for him to keep running for a second term in office—you should see how many ice cream cones he’s been eating at the beach this summer, poor guy!” said Sen. Patty Murray, after releasing a statement calling for a ceasefire this afternoon. “So when we heard that a young American woman who grew up in West Seattle and had just graduated from the University of Washington had been shot directly in the head by an IDF soldier in the West Bank while advocating for Palestinian human rights being attacked by violent and illegal Israeli settlers, our first thought was: Omg, I hope the president’s pretty face doesn’t have to think about this for a second. Me, Sen. Cantwell, and Rep. Pramila Jayapal got this one, hun!”
Sen. Cantwell said she was more than happy to step up to the patriotic task today.
“When President Biden promised us all that ‘If you harm one American, we will respond’ I think we all knew that he was kinda talking about the rest of us literally just giving a short statement in response so he didn’t have to and then calling it a day—TGIF!” said Sen. Cantwell. “I mean, who even really still thinks he’s even president any more right now anyway? Not that I want Vice President Kamala Harris to have to comment on this either and, honestly, I hope we’ve spared her the arduous task of caring that a foreign government just blatantly executed an American citizen too. She just can’t risk throwing off the coconut brat JD dunking vibes on social like that—way too dangerous. #GoBratGurlGo!”
After giving a stirring speech today about how the GOP needs to send more than thoughts and prayers to the victims of school shootings, VP Harris was reportedly ready to publicly send Aysenur’s family thoughts and prayers if she “really, really has to or something, ugh!”
