Archaeologists Unearth Ancient 5G Towers Responsible for Black Plague
In what many are calling a world-shattering discovery, archaeologists in England have unearthed a series of massive, ancient 5G towers that have been determined...
Good News Permanently Petrifies Local Woman’s Face Into Suspicious Squint
A local woman’s facial expression seems to be permanently locked into a suspicious squint after witnessing what appears to be, by all accounts, a...
Liberated Woman Excited to Leave First Scathing Yelp Review in Months
Following several harrowing months of being deprived the capitalist comforts guaranteed to her by the United States Constitution, a newly liberated Kent woman has...
Durkan Reminds City to Keep Washing Hands of Responsibility to End Police Brutality
As cases of police brutality against people of color, media and legal observers continue to spike nationally, today Mayor Jenny Durkan reminded Seattle residents...
Congress Antitrust Hearing Begins With 2-Hour Bezos Testimony on How Printers Work
Virtual proceedings of the historic Congressional Antitrust Hearings were marred by technical difficulties today when Congressman Jim Sensenbrenner spent two hours grilling Amazon CEO...
Trump Supporter Just Really Concerned About the Safety of Seattle’s Gayest Neighborhood
Dismissing claims that his support for excessive police and military force on Seattle’s Capitol Hill is hypocritical given his dislike for ‘big government,’ Trump...
Middle-aged Shoppers Arrested with Fake IDs at Costco’s Senior Shopping Hour
KIRKLAND – Dozens of middle-aged shoppers who crept out of their suburban windows early this morning were promptly arrested when they tried using fake...
East Precinct Cops Struggling to Intimidate Protesters Remotely
Following the withdrawal of police forces from Seattle’s East Precinct, many displaced police officers are reportedly struggling to adapt to a remote workplace, finding...
Free Ballard Declares Victory As SPD Retreats from Violent Threats of Lutefisk
Inspired by the Seattle Police Department’s retreat from what is now known as the autonomous zone of Free Capitol Hill, the more than century-old...
Police: Our Vests Are Bulletproof, Not Plastic Bottle-Proof
In a desperate plea to Seattle’s elected officials today, Seattle Police Officers Guild President Mike Solan begged the city for more protection from protesters...
