Sportsball Fans Excited to Mock Seattle’s New Slappy Disc Team
With the debut of Seattle’s new hockey team name today, the region’s Sportsball fans announced that they have also landed on a new, condescending...
SPD Bans Tear Gas Until Next Shipment Arrives
After repeated calls to end the use of tear gas on peaceful Black Lives Matter protesters during a pandemic, the Seattle Police Department has...
Betsy DeVos Deploys Child Shield to Save Self From Sneezing Man
U.S. Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos was shaken today following an incident that forced her to grab a nearby child to shield herself from...
Mayor Durkan Kicks Off Pride Month Festivities with Rainbow-Colored Tear Gas
Determined to reconcile with Capitol Hill—the center of Seattle’s LGBTQ community and this week’s Black Lives Matter protests against police brutality—Mayor Jenny Durkan kicked...
Mysterious Health Condition Prevents Customer from Using Mask, Brain
A local Safeway customer assured essential workers and shoppers this afternoon that the only reason she wasn’t wearing a mask is a health condition...
EU Countries Banning Travel from U.S. Unsure Why They Didn’t Do This Years Ago
Brussels – Two weeks after it decided to extend its ban on U.S. travelers, the European Union announced today that its cobblestone streets have...
WTA Unveils Rattlesnake Ledge FastPass
The Washington Trails Association surprised hikers crowding the trailhead of the Rattlesnake Ledge today with its new crowd-management tool, a Disney-sponsored FastPass system.
“It’s always...
Local Holy Woman Ascends to Podcast Nirvana
Five mostly quarantined months into meditatively mowing through almost every podcast in existence, sources say local holy woman Zahra Princeton has officially ascended to...
Progress: Amazon Announces Recyclable Pink Slips for Union Workers
Following increased public pressure to walk its talk on the fight against climate change, today Amazon unveiled a “Clean Leave” policy today that promises...
Parents of Returning College Student Rush to Convert Sex Playroom Back to Childhood Bedroom
Issaquah parents of a Gonzaga junior experienced one of the most harrowing days of their lives today when they suddenly learned they had less...
