The Washington Trails Association surprised hikers crowding the trailhead of the Rattlesnake Ledge today with its new crowd-management tool, a Disney-sponsored FastPass system.
“It’s always about as crowded up here as Disneyland, so we finally asked Disney to manage this shitshow themselves,” said WTA president Rachel Haystack. “Sure, this might erode some of our ability to keeping hiking areas in public hands, but not as much as these hoards of people are eroding these hillsides.”
Disney VP Mike Turlock said the company’s amusement park division was all too happy to partner with WTA.
“We’ve been in denial for a few months, but honestly, Disneyland is fucked,” Turlock said. “I see no other way for us to make money other than pivoting to monetize people’s sudden realization that real outdoor nature might be more thrilling and healthy than the corporate fantasylands they’ve dumped thousands of dollars and whining kids into for generations. We’ve already told the Pirates of the Caribbean there’s gold in them thar hills, so have fun with that, North Bend. ”
Disney is reportedly also in talks with Mount Rainier National Park to rename it the Matterhorn in exchange for a real, live Yeti tasked with delightfully scaring the shit out of summit-bound mountaineers.
If the FastPass system goes well, WTA and Disney say they’ll soon expand the system to Mount Si.
