After repeated calls to end the use of tear gas on peaceful Black Lives Matter protesters during a pandemic, the Seattle Police Department has agreed to temporarily ban its use until the next cargo ship of gas canisters arrives.
“We were expecting a fresh boat-load of tear gas last week, but it was seized by the federal government to be used for President Trump’s bible photo-op,” said SPD Officer Tad Conrad while shoving an elderly Barbershop Quartet to the ground. “I can understand seizing all that PPE from medical workers, but seizing chemical weapons local police need to gas people? Kind of overboard. So unfair. Anyway, after blowing our entire supply of the stuff this last week, the next shipload won’t be in at the Port of Seattle for another 30 days. Might as well fool protesters into thinking we’re changing anything about the way we work with a 30-day ban, right? Ha!”
After voicing support for the Seattle Police Department’s decision, Mayor Jenny Durkan also commended protesters for their ongoing peaceful demonstrations.
“You’ve been awfully good boys and girls the last couple of days, so – as a treat – I’ve decided to go along with whatever the Seattle Police Department says we should do, per usual. You’re welcome,” said Durkan at a press conference today. “In return, we ask that all peaceful protests halt for the same 30 days until we’re fully equipped to respond in the violent manner we’ve become accustomed to. Worry not, Seattle: The ban just so happens to end in time for Fourth of July weekend, so we’ll make sure some special fireworks are available in red, white, and, the most important color, blue.”
Needling reporters were able to confirm rumors that SPD internally discussed puncturing cans of AXE body spray and throwing them into crowds as an alternate means of dispersal, but ultimately determined that method too cruel, even for them.
