Virtual proceedings of the historic Congressional Antitrust Hearings were marred by technical difficulties today when Congressman Jim Sensenbrenner spent two hours grilling Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos on how to print key evidence of the Amazon CEO’s unethical business practices.
“No, Congressman Sensenbrenner, I’m certain that you cannot just print the emails in question from your wifi router,” said Bezos, visibly wincing at the question. “Search for the name of your printer on the drop-down menu. Just—you know what? I can have one sent to your house in five minutes. I’ll have a drone or my nearest minion over there in no time. No, I am certain the problem is not that you need to buy more vowels, that’s not even close to how printers work. I will buy you a seat in Congress for the next twenty years if you cease this line of questioning, I’m begging you.”
While Congressman Sensenbrenner continued to labor over tech issues, Representative Jim Jordan took the virtual floor.
“I’ll just cut to the chase: Big tech is out to get conservatives, and I can prove it,” said Rep. Jordan, holding his phone at arm’s length while squinting to read the screen. “Look here on my phone: Every time I log in to Breitbart’s message board, I get notifications that there are hot MILFs looking to hook up in my area. I ask you Mr. Bezos, where are those hot MILFs? I don’t see any hot MILFs. It’s false advertising. To make this right, I demand you put my Facebook page on the front page of Google and make sure it’s the #1 tweet, you hear me?”
Not wanting to be left out of the opportunity for a confrontation, Senator Ted Cruz took to Twitter to challenge Jeff Bezos to fight Jim Jordan.
