Mariners Ready to Pretend Pandemic Only Thing Keeping Fans Away
With hopes that a cancelled season could have been their best yet dashed by a delayed schedule beginning July 24, the Seattle Mariners organization...
Mississippi Flag to Be Replaced with Crumpled Lynyrd Skynyrd T-Shirt
Following the shocking announcement that Mississippi would finally be retiring its controversial Confederacy-themed state flag, Mississippi Governor Reeves announced today that their new flag...
Mega Yacht in Elliott Bay Sure Sign Some Fucked Up Rich Guy Shit Going Down
A glamorous mega-yacht has made a surprise appearance in Elliott Bay overnight, leaving curious Seattle residents and local reporters to speculate what kind of...
Baton-Twirling Performative Ally Could Really Take it Down a Notch
After dedicating several free baton-twirling performances in front of her Central District home this last month to the Black Lives Matter movement, non-white neighbors...
Local Woman Starting to Miss Sweet Summertime Caress of Office Hypothermia
Sweaty and steamy from hours of working remotely at home, one local woman says she can’t keep her thoughts from drifting to memories of...
Gatesville Named Official Casket Partner of the National Football League
As the NFL forges ahead with its planned regular season, Commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that they have secured a record-breaking sponsorship deal with...
Major Trump Donor Appointed As The Postal Service’s New Lead Singer
After months of publicly trashing The Postal Service, President Donald Trump announced that he’s appointed multi-million-dollar campaign donor Louis DeJoy as the Seattle band's...
‘Climate Pledge Arena’ Sign Removed After Speaking Out About Climate Change
Mere hours after Amazon announced that they had bought Key Arena and renamed it Climate Pledge Arena, Jeff Bezos announced that the sign was...
Gentrifiers Form ‘Capitol Hill Economic Zone’ (CHEZ)
After hearing that the City of Seattle would like police to return to its East Precinct and begin dismantling the Capitol Hill Occupied Protest...
Cliff Mass Puzzled Weather Radar Did Not Forecast Overnight Shitstorm
Longtime Seattle meteorologist Cliff Mass said he was utterly astounded that his trusty weather radar did not pick up on an obvious incoming shitstorm...
