In a desperate plea to Seattle’s elected officials today, Seattle Police Officers Guild President Mike Solan begged the city for more protection from protesters since their military-grade riot gear is only bullet-proof, not water-bottle proof.
“Day after day, one random protester guy after another has been obliterating us with a barrage of airborne projectiles ranging from half-empty 12 oz Dasanis to old-school 16.9 oz Crystal Geysers. It’s only a matter of time before someone throws a full Fiji – and we just can’t take that chance. So we are retreating from the East Precinct completely,” Officer Solan said at an afternoon press conference. “These people just have no mercy and this is beyond what any of us were trained to deal with – Mayor Durkan, please help! Save us!”
Solan also said their armor does not protect against dollar-store candles.
“This one candle, or as we like to refer to it, an incendiary device, was clearly meant to bomb our entire battalion and precinct. Thankfully, all it did was hit one of our riot shields and crash on the ground into small gardenia-smelling pieces,” said Solan. “Unfortunately, that clearly left us with no other rational choice but to turn Capitol Hill into a tear gas-filled war zone once again while we indiscriminately shot off countless rubber bullets and flash-bangs at all protesters in sight.”
Asked if they were scared on Sunday when a man armed with a handgun approached the police barricade after ramming his vehicle down a crowded street and shooting someone in the arm, Solan shrugged.
“No, not at all. Like I said, our gear is bullet-proof, not water-bottle proof,” Solan said. “In closing, we have had it with your traumatizing pink umbrellas, your purple bobby pins, your shitty water bottles and scented candles. Screw you and your scary rainbow crosswalks, Capitol Hill!”
At press time, the Mayor’s Office confirmed the police department will soon receive water bottle projectile survival training from the Dave Matthews Band.
