A local woman’s facial expression seems to be permanently locked into a suspicious squint after witnessing what appears to be, by all accounts, a rare sighting of actual good news.
This morning’s unexpectedly positive U.S. Supreme Court decision ruling that civil rights law protects LGBT people from job discrimination in all 50 states reportedly triggered 32-year-old Layla Hutchinson’s condition.
“There has to be a catch – it can’t just be good news end of story, could it?” said Hutchinson, squinting at a Facebook newsfeed full of stories repeatedly confirming that the development was pretty much just 100 percent good news. “I keep on looking, but can’t find the part of this story that depresses or enrages me – is this even news if I don’t taste blood in my mouth after reading it? What even is this?”
Doctors have spent all day trying to find something that sucks about this in an effort to relax the look of frozen skepticism on Hutchinson’s face to no avail.
“We’ve searched high and low for ways to interpret this news as anything but excellent and we’ve just come up dry,” said Dr. Stanley Upton, head of facial reconstruction at Virginia Mason. “If she doesn’t see a regular and expected tsunami of gut-wrenchingly horrible news soon, her face may be stuck like this forever.”
At press time, a glimmer of hope appeared as Needling reporters confirmed mayors of most major U.S. cities including Seattle are too cowardly to hold their corrupt local police unions accountable in any way.
