Upper Middle Class White Men Finally Have Safe Space to Gather This Week at Seattle Boat Show
After a harrowing year of having no other safe space to gather, local upper middle class white men will once again finally have a...
Old Seattleite Once Again Passes Off Almost Live! Joke As His Own to Clueless Transplants
Longtime Seattleite Todd Miller had his coworkers in stitches this week joking about how everyone gets the streets Pike and Pine confused, artfully passing...
Local FBI Agent Confused, Disappointed by Pi Day Celebrations
Local FBI Agent Dale Cooper went on record today to say that despite today, March 14, allegedly being Pi Day, he was disappointed to...
Tennessee Lawmakers Ban Travel to Seattle After Learning About Utilikilts
After hearing reports about the popularity of the made-in-Seattle utilitarian, un-bifurcated garments, today conservative legislators in Tennessee announced a travel-to-Seattle ban to save their...
Oscars ‘Multiverse Stream’ Treats Viewers to Timeline Where Will Smith Slaps Chris Rock with Hot Dog Fingers
After struggling with ratings over the past decade, producers for the 2023 Oscars decided to experiment with a new “multiverse stream” format in which...
Mayor Harrell Also Commits to Holding Cops Accountable As Long As They’re Also Black
As the nation mourns another heinous murder of a black person at the hands of police, Mayor Bruce Harrell promised Seattle today that—just like...
Bill Nye Breaks Bad; Establishes Evil Lair at Pacific Science Center
After spending decades as the face of educational TV programming, local authorities say Bill Nye the Science Guy has suddenly broken bad and established...
Every Virginia Mason Employee Replaced by Nun Whose Only Job Is to Refuse Your Abortion
In an effort to streamline its services and operations, today Virginia Mason Medical Center announced it’s immediately and permanently replacing all its employees with...
Dick’s to Celebrate 69th Birthday with 69-cent Milkshakes
Seattle’s beloved Dick’s announced it’s celebrating its 69th birthday this week with 69-cent milkshakes.
“We usually sell 19-cent burgers for our annual Burger Day anniversaries—the...
Local Man Left Puzzled by Tip Screen at Self-Checkout
Even after becoming used to seeing tip screens pop up in more retail settings, today one local man became overwhelmed with confusion when faced...
