Local FBI Agent Dale Cooper went on record today to say that despite today, March 14, allegedly being Pi Day, he was disappointed to admit his investigation of local festivities didn’t even turn up one decent slice of cherry pie.
“Diane: 18:32PM, March 14. Seattle—I just don’t get it. I’ve been asking around all day and can’t get a handle on this Pi Day assignment. I already knew the “e” was missing from the holiday for some mysterious reason, but it turns out so are the pies themselves,” said Agent Cooper into a voice memo recording. “I can’t find one decent Pi Day discount—not even this Twede’s Cafe place out in North Bend, which must be where pies go when they die.”
Some locals told Needling reporters that Agent Cooper had been asking around for a local “log lady” to get a better idea of what was going on.
“All my local leads have gone dry. A few college students sent me on a wild goose chase that landed me in a SPU Professor’s introductory algebra lecture concerning inverse exponential functions where they only had rectangular berry cobbler because they said ‘Pi can’t be rounded—it is infinite,” Agent Cooper continued in his voice memo while scouring the pie-barren streets of Seattle. “Diane, you know I have only the utmost respect for the pursuit of analytical knowledge, but I simply don’t have time for these irrational distractions! Where is the pie?”
Realizing he was being tailed, Agent Cooper suddenly evaded Needling reporters after ending his recording and was later reportedly turning the case around at Pie Bar in Ballard over a damn fine cocktail glass of espresso martini.
At press time, Needling reporters could not confirm where Agent Cooper was on the case or whether its free Pie Bar name drop in this piece would render themselves any free pie. Anyone with any tips or leads on free pie is being asked to send them directly to The Needling’s DMs.
