In an effort to streamline its services and operations, today Virginia Mason Medical Center announced it’s immediately and permanently replacing all its employees with nuns whose only job is to refuse your abortion.
“Sure, I studied medicine for 25 years and am the top expert in the world in my specialty, but these old virgins who think women have one more rib than men should 100% be the one making medical decisions about your personal reproductive health for you,” said DO Arjun Gupta, who seemed to be taking his layoff notice today on the chin.
CEO Ketul Patel said this has all been part of his hospital administration plan since he presided over Virginia Mason’s merger with Catholic Health Initiatives Franciscan exactly two years ago.
“Immediately ending elective abortion and Death with Dignity services was a no-brainer when the merger first happened, so next order of business was determining how to pay ‘essential’ medical staff less all while working them to the bone with staffing shortages,” said Patel. “And then I thought, of course – nuns! Cheap, free labor and, when it comes down to it, no one needs a medical degree to enable misogyny and patriarchy. Hell, look at me – you don’t even need to be Catholic.”
A local Catholic has been absolutely loving the change.
“It’s honestly so convenient to just be able to go to the hospital when I need to repent for all my multiple sins,” says the only actual Catholic person in Seattle we could find, Jenny McBean. “I mean, I used to come here for medical care, but no one can actually afford that anymore anyway. So this is basically as good. And with 41% of hospitals in Washington state now being Catholic-affiliated, being nun-shamed for ever enjoying sex for a purpose other than reproduction is more accessible than ever.”
In a strange effort to satisfy critics of the hospital’s policy changes, Patel said that while they can’t offer abortions or even adequate birth control options, Virginia Mason will continue to allow pro-life nuns to ruler-slap pregnant people seeking abortions on the uterus.
