Man Unable to Vote After Being Buried in Avalanche of Campaign Mailers
A local man’s chances of reaching the ballot box were smothered today after an avalanche of election campaign mailers buried him alive after opening...
Man Shopping at U Village Amazon Books Just Wanted to Send an Extra Fuck You to Indie Bookstores
Unsure whether purchasing books quickly and conveniently online from Amazon had made it clear enough that he thinks local independent bookstores can go fuck...
Man Dressed as Catalytic Converter Abducted While Walking to Halloween Party
A Ballard man became the latest victim of rising car part thefts across the nation tonight when he was abducted while walking to a...
Heartwarming: These Unvaccinated First Responders Weren’t Allowed to Spread COVID at Work So They Did It For Free
A heartwarming display of unsanitary civic showmanship was on display in Pioneer Square yesterday after former members of the Seattle Police and Fire Departments,...
Harrell Announces He’s Officially Received Enough Donations from Bellevue to Run for Mayor There Instead
After months of campaigning to be the next mayor of Seattle, Bruce Harrell announced today that he’s now officially received so many campaign contributions...
Missing White Woman at Target This Whole Time
After a strenuous, weeklong search that required all of local law enforcement’s resources plus volunteer teams, the Seattle Police Department says missing white woman...
Bruce Harrell Police Reform Plan Promises Pizza Parties for Every Week SPD Doesn’t Kill Someone
After facing criticism from social justice advocates, today Seattle mayoral candidate Bruce Harrell unveiled a police reform proposal that promises full funding of office...
Seattle-area Tooth Fairy Now Only Offering Bitcoin
In an effort to decentralize her financial operations, one Seattle-area tooth fairy says she is now only doling out fractions of cryptocurrency under the...
Curbside Couches in Central District Now Going for $100K Above Asking Price
After reviewing recent trends in the Central District’s curbside couch market, financial analysts are reportedly now advising prospective couch buyers to pay as much...
‘No-Dogs-On-Beach Signs Don’t Apply to You,’ Alki Beachgoer Reassures Dog
After intuitively sensing tension from others about his presence at Alki Beach, today a three-year-old golden retriever was assured by his owner the “No...
