Ann Davison, Seattle’s City Attorney-elect, was permanently disbarred from Garfield High’s mock trial team today when she kept interrupting a fictional murder trial to talk about Brazilian jiu-jitsu and that one time decades ago she saw a Cambodian refugee camp.
“This is an outrage! I can use one whole hand to count all the real court cases I’ve led! I have years of experience from more than a decade ago! And you’re tossing me out right as I was about to milk the shit out of that Cambodia story I use again and again to seem like a caring person? Unconscionable,” screeched Davison, her fists pounding on the ornate brick walls of the school as she was dragged out by security. “It’s a total infringement of my right to practice mock law guaranteed by the landmark case of Salmon Roe v. Dwayne Wade. This is almost as unjust as when the state blocked my husband from doing boob job surgeries in the first few months of the pandemic!”
The remaining barristers of Garfield High, hard at work preparing for a mock Colonel Mustard v. Professor Plum case, tried their best to ignore Davison’s protest.
“We may have been willing to indulge Ms. Davison if that could keep her from spending next year dismantling the small bit of criminal justice reform the City of Seattle has mustered the last few years,” says DeAndre Johnson, a sophomore and Garfield’s leading cross-examiner. “Alas, if her speech about using the Americana Armlock on homeless people who refuse to leave Green Lake is any indication, that doesn’t seem possible. Maybe next semester her ‘work’ for the city can count for some elective credit.”
Davison says she’s already filed to appeal the mock court’s decision until she’s free to make thousands of other people’s lives even more of an everlasting living hell next year.
