JD Vance Relieved He Won’t Have Access to Oval Office Furniture Until After No Nut November
Incoming Vice President JD Vance quietly expressed his relief today that he wouldn’t suffer the temptation of Oval Office furniture until after No Nut...
City Council Approves Impenetrable Dome Over Downtown for New ‘NOPE Zone’
Following the approval of SODA (Stay Out of Drug Area) and SOAP (Stay Out of Area Prostitution) zones, this week the Seattle City Council...
Mythological Sirens Pivot to Self-Help Podcasts to Lure Men to Watery Graves
While tales of mythological sirens captivating sailors with their seductive songs have long been told, the cryptids have reportedly pivoted to podcasts to lure...
Spawning Humans Return to Auburn to Breed and Then Slowly Die
As seasons change and nature takes its course, it’s that bittersweet time of year again when spawning humans begin returning to Auburn to breed...
New Haunted Seattle Tour Guides Visitors Through Mariners Dugout
As of this week, fans of cryptic local history don’t always have to head down to Pike Place Market, Bill Speidel’s Underground Tour or...
Millennial Parent at Trunk or Treat Can’t Help But Feel Weird Telling Kid to Take Candy From Stranger in Van
One local millennial parent was struggling to adjust to new Halloween ‘Trunk or Treat’ traditions after years of being told to never take candy...
Dozens Scalded After Mariners ‘Pumpkin Spice Latte from Heaven’ Promo Goes Wrong
Dozens of Mariners fans were reportedly injured today during a Starbucks-sponsored spin on the popular "Hot Dogs from Heaven" promo after a parachute malfunction...
Heartwarming: City Officials Spell Out ‘One Seattle’ in Belongings Confiscated from the Homeless
Seattle residents were treated to a heartwarming gesture of civic unity today after city officials spelled the Mayor Bruce Harrell’s slogan "One Seattle" out...
SPD Recruitment Test Standards Lowered to Just Coloring Inside the Thin Blue Line
With Seattle Police Department recruitment flagging despite throwing most of the city budget at them, the SPD announced plans to boost enrollment by lowering...
Amazon Promises Warehouse Workers Will Only Endure Inhumane Conditions Until Automation Replaces Them All
As word of dangerous working conditions at Amazon’s warehouses spread across the nation, Amazon CEO Andy Jassy called a rare press conference to formally...
