While tales of mythological sirens captivating sailors with their seductive songs have long been told, the cryptids have reportedly pivoted to podcasts to lure new generations of wayward young men into watery graves.
“We used to be able to lure thousands of sailors to their doom with our enchanting songs, but we realized that we can’t command the attention that a podcast can nowadays—I mean if morons like Joe Rogan and Jordan Peterson can lead so many young men astray, surely people won’t miss a few that we lure into the sea,” said local siren Parthenope, setting up podcast equipment in the Puget Sound. “I used to think you could catch more flies with honey, but apparently you can catch plenty of idiots with three hours of alpha male bullshit and the occasional ad-read for boner pills.”
Local moron Kyle Wheeler was reportedly lured to the waterfront piers after hearing the Sirens previous podcast episode on ‘Mesopotamian Moon Landings’.
“I was walking by the waterfront when I heard some mysterious voices that were discussing how leading xeno-wellness scientists believe you can reverse the harmful effects of the COVID vaccine by consuming a strict detox diet of ketamine water and caribou taint,” said Wheeler, searching for the source of the podcast. “I gotta find where this podcast is coming from, because apparently they’re looking for special guests! I’d be perfect for it because I have a lot of opinions on that subject even though I just heard about it for the first time five minutes ago.”
Meanwhile Starbucks denied that it uses its trademark Siren mascot to enchant customers and lure them in to buy their nasty coffee.
