New Zealand Just Showing Off Now
While American COVID-19 cases continue to rise, life has returned to normal in New Zealand after successfully containing the spread of the virus, leading...
Early Voter Excited to Drop Off Ballot, Wait in Existential Dread for Next 3 Weeks
Upon excitedly dropping off her ballot today, local early voter Maria Lopez says she’s now thrilled to spend at least the next three weeks...
Trump Admits ‘I Only Like Soldiers Who Lose Civil Wars’
Following reports that he sees dead, captured and injured U.S. military soldiers as “suckers” and “losers,” President Donald Trump admitted this afternoon that the...
Ultralight Backpacker Removes Ribs to Save Weight
After years of downsizing his list of backpacking essentials, veteran ultralight backpacker Nathan Hurley said he’s ready to head out this weekend with his...
SPD Protects East Precinct from Terrifying Justice Reforms with New Shark-Infested Moat
Terrified even a modicum of lasting institutional reform might creep into the East Precinct on Capitol Hill, the Seattle Police Department spent the weekend...
Trump Supporters Alarmed as Airplane Oxygen Mask Suddenly Deploys from Hairpiece
Despite the President’s fervent insistence that he feels better than he did 20 years ago, many of his die-hard supporters at today’s event on...
UW Frats Mandate Beer Bongs Must Be at Least 6 Feet Long
Following its second outbreak that now includes more than 200 students, University of Washington fraternities announced that from now on they will be mandating...
‘The South Shall Rise Again,’ Says Man Who’s Never Left Eastern Washington
Standing outside his dusty ranch just off Interstate 90, Samuel Dunn confirmed to reporters this afternoon that “The South shall rise again” despite never...
Kamala Harris Shows Off Domestic Side with Personal Recipe for Roast Pence
Ahead of Wednesday night’s Vice Presidential debate in Salt Lake City, Utah, career prosecutor and current U.S. Senator of California Kamala Harris proved on...
Man Kinda Wishes He Knew Second Stimulus Not Coming Before He Spent $49 on Single Turnip at PCC
A Fremont man returned from PCC with a nasty surprise today after discovering that a second stimulus check would not eventually be arriving this...
