Upon excitedly dropping off her ballot today, local early voter Maria Lopez says she’s now thrilled to spend at least the next three weeks waiting for election results in a mind-numbing existential dread.
“After patiently waiting nearly four years to cast this vote, I’m so excited to finally do it!” said Lopez as she slipped her ballot into a King County Elections drop-box. “Now comes the best part: Doom-scrolling under a gravity blanket with nothing else to do but ponder the fragility of life and this 244-year-old country’s existence for the next three weeks – maybe longer. We’ll see!”
Lopez admitted she may do a few other things too, all while maintaining an exhilaratingly inescapable awareness of every civil right currently hanging in the balance.
“I’m still planning on carving pumpkins with friends and everything,” Lopez said. “But not without festively zoning out a few times to imagine how much we are literally living out Back to the Future II and if more than voting might be required to put Biff, I mean Trump, back where he belongs so we can enjoy whatever is left of this one precious life.”
Asked how she manages to enjoy the tension of another extended period of existential uncertainty, Lopez said it’s easy because of how rewarding it is.
“As Kierkegaard once said, ‘Whoever has learnt to be anxious in the right way, has learnt the ultimate,” Lopez said. “I plan on living in so much tortuous anticipation until Nov. 3 that, by then, I’ll have shed enough hair to knit my Shih-tzu a new sweater.”
