While American COVID-19 cases continue to rise, life has returned to normal in New Zealand after successfully containing the spread of the virus, leading some to wonder when the far-flung island nation is going to stop being such a fucking show-off already.
“I thought New Zealand was just a soundstage for the Lord of the Rings movies, but turns out they have a bunch of people living there just waltzing around without COVID anymore,” said American Ted Goddard, scrolling through his Google News feed. “Wait, so let me get this straight: This article says that the country listened to scientific advice and completely quarantined, then they stamped out the virus not once, but twice, and then they actually re-elected the woman who led them through the crisis? Whoa, like, tone it down guys. No need to humiliate the rest of the world. Some of us are still trying to convince millions of QAnon people that JFK Jr. is not still alive and about to suddenly replace Mike Pence as President Trump’s running mate.”
While American COVID-19 cases have soared at a rate of 25,000 per million, eyes are rolling at little goody two-shoes New Zealand as it boasts an obnoxiously low rate of 320 individual cases per million.
“Look, if these grandstanding Kiwis want to be a bunch of smart-ass nerds and do all this extra work to feel safe, happy and comfortable, go right ahead. But here in America, we like to live on the edge – of life, financial collapse and especially sanity. So we’re doing just fine!” said Republican Florida tourist Steve Marksman. “I mean, not right now, but you know, in six months when some Canadian scientist has a vaccine breakthrough we’ll just take credit for it and then learn precisely nothing from this event, just like we always do. Then who’s gonna feel stupid that they didn’t go to Disneyworld when the lines were all short? Huh? Exactly.”
In the meantime, more liberal Americans like Goddard said he would appreciate if Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern could stop bragging how part of her landslide victory came from her overachieving country’s wide support of reaching 100 percent renewable energy by 2030 instead of 2035.
