New COVID Vaccine Lottery Threatens Non-compliant Citizens with Mariners Tickets
Following the announcement of cash incentive lotteries for vaccinated citizens, Governor Jay Inslee warned today that the state will also roll out a parallel...
Next Season of Survivor to Star Local Bridges Vying for Infrastructure Funds
Reality show classic Survivor announced today in a gripping teaser that its next season will feature decrepit Seattle bridges vying for infrastructure funds.
“That grand...
I’m Richard Branson and This Is Why I’m Prematurely Ejaculating Into Outer Space
Hey, it’s Sir Richie, your favorite billionaire. I just wanted to clear up a few things before I suddenly thrust myself to heaven and...
Puddle of Sunblock All That Remains of Seattleite Who Hit 80-Degree Melting Point
After taking what seemed an innocent stroll down the sunny Seattle waterfront, several witnesses say a puddle of sunblock is all that remains today...
Seattle Resident Ready to Return COVID Boyfriend to Tool Library
After keeping him throughout quarantine, Seattle resident Lisa Carroll announced today that her COVID lockdown boyfriend is ready to be returned to the free...
Man Who Moved to Seattle 12 Minutes Ago Upset Everyone Moving to Seattle
Longtime Ballard resident of 12 minutes and 37 seconds Jeff Coleman announced today he’s getting quickly frustrated and concerned about the absurd number of...
Local Woman Celebrates 5 Years of Acting Amused by Boyfriend’s College Drinking Stories
This holiday weekend, one lucky local lady is celebrating her fifth year of smiling and nodding while her boyfriend tells yet another story...
Research Shows ‘WandaVision’ Apparently Not Documentary About Wanda Sykes
Contrary to popular belief, researchers released a report today confirming that Disney+ hit, WandaVision, is in fact not a tell-all documentary about about beloved...
‘Everything Is Back To Normal,’ Says Inslee for Some Reason
Following what appeared to be a bright light quickly dissipating from the ether, Governor Jay Inslee stated a simple televised address to the entire...
Single LGBTQ+ Employee Paraded Through Company Like Stanley Cup
In a historic first for the local corporate offices of SalesPusher.com, its senior marketing team’s staff victoriously acquired its first LGBTQ+ employee and promptly...
